Finding the perfect partner Part 2

Image:© Lev Dolgatsjov / Fotolia

The pragmatic benefits of the partnership were the ones important years ago. The idea of a marriage as a mean of self-perfection and happiness is comparatively new, says Paul Amato, professor in sociology, demography and researching family at the state university of Pennsylvania.
Researches amongst upper graders and students done 50-60 years ago show that most of them wanted to get married, to have children and have a home. Up to now most children sad they want to get married, because of the love/ this accent falls emotionally to marriage and makes the couples badly prepared for the reality to come.

Because the early stage of the relationship is marked with excitement and idealization, “many romantic, passionate couples expect this excitement to continue forever”, says Barry McCarthy, clinical psychologist. When dreaming of this energy of the first days, with time people start to search for it elsewhere and separate.

The decreasing passion is often interpreted as the end of the relationship. You start to wonder if you were right in your estimate of one another. You feel comfortable together but you don’t feel that special relationship between you as in the beginning. You start to wonder if it wouldn’t be more honest and brave to say it is not working and separate? “People were led to think that remaining in a marriage that doesn’t make them feel happy is equal to existential betrayal” says Joshua Colman, psychologist from San Francisco.

Colman says the constant social pressure to have everything – great sexual life, great family etc. makes people feel ashamed by their not perfect relationships and ask themselves if it is worth. “Feelings as non-satisfaction and disappointment are natural but may look impermissible when the standards are up in the sky. Marriage has great pressure on it of some unrealistic ideal” says Colman.

This is the reason in a certain moment partners to decide they are incompatible. In fact psychologists say there is no such thing as complete compatibility. “Marriage is a machine of disagreement” says Diane Soli, founder of Coalition of marriage, family and training of partners. “All couples have disagreements for one and the same things. We have a very romantic view that if we are with the “right” person we wouldn’t fight”. The disputes are always around children, money, sex and leisure but the psychologist John Gotman says that happily married couples have disputes regarding these things as much as couples who separated.

The “wrong partner” is mythology”, agreed Peteman. “All marriages are compatible. All marriages are between people of different families, people who see things differently. The magic is in the ability to see things through the eyes of the other person and through your own as well.”

The realization that we will not receive everything we want from one partner is just crushing. But this is a necessary step to create a mature relationship according to Rial. “A central aspect of the “grown-up” love is how you deal with problems”, he says.

The modern culture accepts divorce to be a normal phenomenon, putting stress on the individual satisfaction in marriage. This, psychologists say, brought positive things as well because it freed people of the necessity to put up with bad marital unions. But at the same time appeared an unexpected side effect – it encouraged people to leave relationships which are worth and can be saved.

“So much of what we learn is tied to “Me”, with the ego instead of the relations between two people” says Cramer. In our world of competitiveness, we receive awards for individual achievements, not because of helping others. We praise independence more than cooperation and being a victim in terms of value and loyalty seems stupid. I think we have a rate of divorces we deserve.”

The constant focus on our personal potential can turn our partner in an assistant in searching our own realization, says Maggie Robbins, New York therapist. “We think that the person next to us should reflect our beauty and perfection or more often, they have to compensate for our weaknesses and confusion, being our core” says Robbins. “This is what makes us tell our wife: “Lose some weight because you make me feel ashamed” instead of “Lose weight because you are in risk of diabetes”.

The aim to find the ideal partner is not nourished only by the view of the romantic life. The tendencies of the contemporary life in the media create a sense of endless romantic possibilities.
All possibilities can lead us to desperation. So many opportunities are presented today to the clients in a dead end, and the list of alternatives for selecting a partner is not an exception.

While we wait for the marriage to make us happier “to the end of our days”, the truth is that for most people neither marriage, nor divorce seem to have a serious impact on happiness. Although the research of Weith showed that married people are happier than the single ones other researches show that after a two-year marriage people are just as happy or unhappy as when before getting married. To take it that marriage will automatically bring happiness is a sure recipe for unhappiness.

“Marriage does not aim to make us happy. Its purpose is to make us married.” says Pitman. “When you are entirely devoted to marriage you have the opportunity to become a better person”. The commitment helps you decrease the pretensions and temptations, to show your weaknesses and be yourself, and to know that you’ll be loved with all your flaws. And stay with someone in spite of his.

This so realistic view of the marriage is hardly romantic but this does not mean it’s not deep. On the surface are the great expectations and desperation that true love doesn’t exist.


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